The Last Post For Now From Japan

10 Aug 2010

Sun Will Set, Wait It Out

It's just hours now. I've only got hours left in this place.  Once those hours are over, this time--this period of my life-- will be over.  My year in Japan will just be a moment in my memories.

I wish I could say I feel complete… but I can't.

As I sit and reflect on my time I can remember some of the happiest moments in my life.  And, there's this itch at the base of my neck.  It's this nagging tug.  It's telling me not to go yet.  It's trying to pull me back… and all I want to do is give in.

There isn't a person on this earth that wouldn't want to keep the good times for as long as possible.  If I could, I would.

But in doing so, I sacrifice the mystery.

Haha. Curiosity killed the cat.

But, still. Perhaps this is just a new part of my life.  Perhaps it's time to move on.

…

I know I shouldn't cry.  I should just cherish the memories I have.  Moving on is difficult, though.

The goodbye.

The ending.

I don't know when I'm going to be back here.  I want to come back here, I know that much.

But I also know that it will never be the same.

Jen and I were talking yesterday as we ran errands to close up our lives here.  Even if we were to return to this same place, it would never be the same.  The people would be different, the situation changed.  Even we wouldn't be who we are now.

There's a kind of hope and beauty in that, but at the same time it's kind of sad.

This world is so transient.  Nothing stays put.

Even mountains move.

And on every period, Sun Will Set.



The next move is mine to make.  How will I use this time I've had?

I'm going back to America.  For the last few weeks I haven't wanted to accept it.  Again and again I would say "I don't want to! I don't want to!"  I said it so much I didn't take time to internalize the fact that I don't have a choice.  The stones have been cast.

But it's hitting me now.  Waving at Hiro from the bus as it drove away with me on it was sobering.  Sending Jen off this morning was painful.  Sitting in this room that I spent the last year crying in pain, laughing in joy, and quietly contemplating in I feel empty as the walls that now surround me.

But this place was home to someone before me, and someone before them, and before them.  And just like that, someone after me will love and laugh and ponder in this place.

I have to let go.  It will hurt for  a while, I know, but I just have to Wait It Out.

Wait It Out and then one day I'll look up around me and realize life is still full of tears and laughter and quiet moments.



It's strange to think that the place that I cursed time and again is the place I can't bare to leave.

Life is funny that way--always shifting, always changing.

It's now up to me to make the most of my time.  I'm not one for meek moves after all.


It's raining today.  Tsuyu is over and it's raining.

Seems fitting.

I'll miss you too Kyoto.

また今度。

Love until later,

Caitlin D.