I finally finished unpacking today. I hung up all my clothes. I officially live in the states again.
Guess what that means.
It's time to start planning my return!
I just spent the last couple of hours looking at graduate programs in Japan. There's still a lot I need to look into, but I'm getting an idea of what I need to be able to do in order to go back.
One of those things is to be able to pass 一級 on the 日本語能力試験 (JLPT).
I just registered to take 二級 in December. It's time to buckle down and start studying.
I also need to get in contact with Deborah Wong and the people at the Honors office to see about doing Upper Division Honors.
I can make it back to Japan. I know I can.
So let's get the ball rolling!
Love until later,
Caitlin D.
28 August 2010
23 August 2010
The Last Post For Now From Japan
10 Aug 2010
Sun Will Set, Wait It Out
It's just hours now. I've only got hours left in this place. Once those hours are over, this time--this period of my life-- will be over. My year in Japan will just be a moment in my memories.
I wish I could say I feel complete… but I can't.
As I sit and reflect on my time I can remember some of the happiest moments in my life. And, there's this itch at the base of my neck. It's this nagging tug. It's telling me not to go yet. It's trying to pull me back… and all I want to do is give in.
There isn't a person on this earth that wouldn't want to keep the good times for as long as possible. If I could, I would.
But in doing so, I sacrifice the mystery.
Haha. Curiosity killed the cat.
But, still. Perhaps this is just a new part of my life. Perhaps it's time to move on.
…
I know I shouldn't cry. I should just cherish the memories I have. Moving on is difficult, though.
The goodbye.
The ending.
I don't know when I'm going to be back here. I want to come back here, I know that much.
But I also know that it will never be the same.
Jen and I were talking yesterday as we ran errands to close up our lives here. Even if we were to return to this same place, it would never be the same. The people would be different, the situation changed. Even we wouldn't be who we are now.
There's a kind of hope and beauty in that, but at the same time it's kind of sad.
This world is so transient. Nothing stays put.
Even mountains move.
And on every period, Sun Will Set.
The next move is mine to make. How will I use this time I've had?
I'm going back to America. For the last few weeks I haven't wanted to accept it. Again and again I would say "I don't want to! I don't want to!" I said it so much I didn't take time to internalize the fact that I don't have a choice. The stones have been cast.
But it's hitting me now. Waving at Hiro from the bus as it drove away with me on it was sobering. Sending Jen off this morning was painful. Sitting in this room that I spent the last year crying in pain, laughing in joy, and quietly contemplating in I feel empty as the walls that now surround me.
But this place was home to someone before me, and someone before them, and before them. And just like that, someone after me will love and laugh and ponder in this place.
I have to let go. It will hurt for a while, I know, but I just have to Wait It Out.
Wait It Out and then one day I'll look up around me and realize life is still full of tears and laughter and quiet moments.
It's strange to think that the place that I cursed time and again is the place I can't bare to leave.
Life is funny that way--always shifting, always changing.
It's now up to me to make the most of my time. I'm not one for meek moves after all.
It's raining today. Tsuyu is over and it's raining.
Seems fitting.
I'll miss you too Kyoto.
また今度。
Love until later,
Caitlin D.
Sun Will Set, Wait It Out
It's just hours now. I've only got hours left in this place. Once those hours are over, this time--this period of my life-- will be over. My year in Japan will just be a moment in my memories.
I wish I could say I feel complete… but I can't.
As I sit and reflect on my time I can remember some of the happiest moments in my life. And, there's this itch at the base of my neck. It's this nagging tug. It's telling me not to go yet. It's trying to pull me back… and all I want to do is give in.
There isn't a person on this earth that wouldn't want to keep the good times for as long as possible. If I could, I would.
But in doing so, I sacrifice the mystery.
Haha. Curiosity killed the cat.
But, still. Perhaps this is just a new part of my life. Perhaps it's time to move on.
…
I know I shouldn't cry. I should just cherish the memories I have. Moving on is difficult, though.
The goodbye.
The ending.
I don't know when I'm going to be back here. I want to come back here, I know that much.
But I also know that it will never be the same.
Jen and I were talking yesterday as we ran errands to close up our lives here. Even if we were to return to this same place, it would never be the same. The people would be different, the situation changed. Even we wouldn't be who we are now.
There's a kind of hope and beauty in that, but at the same time it's kind of sad.
This world is so transient. Nothing stays put.
Even mountains move.
And on every period, Sun Will Set.
The next move is mine to make. How will I use this time I've had?
I'm going back to America. For the last few weeks I haven't wanted to accept it. Again and again I would say "I don't want to! I don't want to!" I said it so much I didn't take time to internalize the fact that I don't have a choice. The stones have been cast.
But it's hitting me now. Waving at Hiro from the bus as it drove away with me on it was sobering. Sending Jen off this morning was painful. Sitting in this room that I spent the last year crying in pain, laughing in joy, and quietly contemplating in I feel empty as the walls that now surround me.
But this place was home to someone before me, and someone before them, and before them. And just like that, someone after me will love and laugh and ponder in this place.
I have to let go. It will hurt for a while, I know, but I just have to Wait It Out.
Wait It Out and then one day I'll look up around me and realize life is still full of tears and laughter and quiet moments.
It's strange to think that the place that I cursed time and again is the place I can't bare to leave.
Life is funny that way--always shifting, always changing.
It's now up to me to make the most of my time. I'm not one for meek moves after all.
It's raining today. Tsuyu is over and it's raining.
Seems fitting.
I'll miss you too Kyoto.
また今度。
Love until later,
Caitlin D.
21 August 2010
[The American Dollar]
I'm back in Riverside.
I wrote a post just before I left Kyoto and I have yet to put it up, but it will be up in the near future.
I went back and read it after I'd been home for a few days. It's such a hopeful blog; full of optimism and happy things. I can't imagine why I was so chipper about it all.
Coming back has been, quite possibly, the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Returning for that short period over spring break didn't prepare me at all. I was in a different place then--looking for different things.
Don't ge me wrong, seeing everyone is nice and I did miss a few things here and there, but on the whole I feel like I don't fit here anymore. ...And I'm not sure I want to.
As painful as this feeling of unsettledness is, it's also motivation.
Now I just need to figure out what exactly I want to move towards.
I definitely want it to move me back towards Kansai.
Time to start planning again.
Love until later,
Caitlin D.
I wrote a post just before I left Kyoto and I have yet to put it up, but it will be up in the near future.
I went back and read it after I'd been home for a few days. It's such a hopeful blog; full of optimism and happy things. I can't imagine why I was so chipper about it all.
Coming back has been, quite possibly, the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Returning for that short period over spring break didn't prepare me at all. I was in a different place then--looking for different things.
Don't ge me wrong, seeing everyone is nice and I did miss a few things here and there, but on the whole I feel like I don't fit here anymore. ...And I'm not sure I want to.
As painful as this feeling of unsettledness is, it's also motivation.
Now I just need to figure out what exactly I want to move towards.
I definitely want it to move me back towards Kansai.
Time to start planning again.
Love until later,
Caitlin D.
03 August 2010
Keep Myself Awake
I'm officially done at Doshisha. I had my last final today.
Now comes the kinda crap part: packing and goodbyes.
Taiko is already over. I gave them my DVD of last year's invitationals so they could see what American taiko is like.
The last half hour of practice they played all the songs Jen and I know as a send off. I've never had so much fun with Don Arauma. I was really proud of myself for not crying at the end.
Friday Jen and I are taking a day trip to Tokyo to say bye to Hiro.
By that time all my bags will be packed up and on their way to Narita.
It's almost over.
"(ノ><)ノ Whyyyy!?
Love until later,
Caitlin D.
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