Sleep Alone- Bat the Lashes

Day 3 or 4 or whatever. Still no reply.  I'm freakin' out, but trying not to read into it too much.  I wish I had more confidence in my abilities.  Unfortunately, I do not.

On another note, I've been to Church twice in the last few months.  Crazy, right? It's easier when you have people to go with.  But, that's kind of the point of Church, right-- communing with other people in worship of the Holy Trinity?

I realize that maybe I've been thinking of religious ritual in the wrong way.  It not that if you don't do it, you're doing wrong.  It's merely a prescriptive way to remain pious. I'd always viewed adhering to specific and rigorous ritual as just another reason to nit-pick at a person's spirituality.  However, if you have a good environment, a truly Christian one, they're merely suggested actions to tie you to worship physically as well as mentally.  If you don't do it right, you're not going to go to hell, and no evil nun is going to slap you on the hands with a cane (at least I hope not!).  Give it a try, see how it feels.  If you're uncomfortable, dial it down to your personal variation and maybe work your way up.  As long as the focus is on exalting.  And don't let anyone ever destroy your faith over something so trivial.  Judgement is reserved for God.

I hope none of that was heretical...

I think that was the most religious thing I've ever expressed outwardly.

Anyway...

Holocene- Bon Iver

UCSB still hasn't sent me an answer. I spent the whole day in Limbo.  Mary sent me home early.  She said, "Even I'm on edge about this... you must feel awful!" It was sweet.  

So I went to Marshalls and did some retail therapy, buying some new running shoes.  I didn't use them, however.  Instead I got stuck in traffic trying to make it to Highland to pick up Matt and then to Jann's for a trafficy ride to APU to see a philosopher lady give a talk.  Needless to say, we missed it.

In lieu of listening to the lady speak, Matt and I got a ton of cereal, milk, and wine at Trader Joe's and headed over to Zac's!  Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), we were locked out of the house.  In an attempt to make the best of the night (or maybe out of hunger), we decided to eat in the car.  So we had this absurd moment of licking milk-laden grape nuts out of a 1/4 measuring cup.  It was ridiculously funny.

One of the wines we bought, though, is called "The County Fair: The Flying Pinot of the Central Coast".  It has the coolest label ever.  Matt wants to steal it from me for the awesome label.  Apparently it makes it more desirable.

Now I'm off to watch a movie!  Any suggestions?

Dear Caitlin,

Sabine Fruhstuck forwarded your message to me.  The admission decisions are just now being finalized, and hopefully word will start going out today or tomorrow.  I think it will be email notification initially, directing you to check your status at your online application.


Best,


Sally




I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

"That Feeling" playlist on 8tracks

blajhrrrragnglamprrrrgrrrRRRAAAAWWWW!!!!

It's one of those days.  I dare you to read the above statement out loud, remove the feeling of excitement and humor at seeing something new and strange, and then you'd understand exactly how I feel.

I'm an inch worm away from jumping out a window.  I'm exhausted to the point of mania.  I'm so ready for a vacation.  The wanderlust has been creeping up for a few months already, and I've been ignoring it.

Big mistake.

Now it's 10x worse and seeping into every part of my life.  I feel the urge to run everywhere and slap people and venture into uncharted territory on every front.

I can't wait for the March adventure out to Barstow.  Even if I freeze and starve and there are no stars at all, I'll be glad to be somewhere new that's out of the city.

On another note, poopface laid out a pretty comforting proof (ish) to me the other night.  Basically, God=lover, Jesus=beloved, Holy Spirit=the loving. So basically, all together, they encompass every state of love. I realized that my church never addressed what exactly the Holy Spirit is in all my years there.

I've been considering the state of my spirit lately.  It's been neglected and, as a result, has atrophied.  It's not beyond repair.  I need to go to Soul Gym.

Spirit Dojo?

In my weird little analogy, Church is like the Beach.  You don't want to go unless you have your shit together.  No flabby bellies or love handles.  You have to be able to run through the sand to the crashing shoreline and not look like your great aunt's jello mold getting passed around at Christmas.

In order to get in Church-shape, I'm doing Pilates for my mind/body/spirit thing--asking the heavy questions, turning over every rock.  It's hard work, but it'll be worth it.  I need clarity of mind.  It's been too long since I experienced that.  And even then, it was only a false clarity--the headiness of youth.

At any rate, I should get back to work.

My Boy Builds Coffins- Florence and the Machine

These look totally awesome.  I'm trying out her "Ridiculously Easy Curried Chickpeas and Quinoa" tonight.
When peaches start coming into season, I'm totally gonna try these.

Sugar-Free (or Not) Peach and Vanilla Muffins

1 tablespoon agave nectar (or sugar, optional) 2 large peaches (about 2 cups, chopped) 1 1/2 teaspoon ground flaxseed 2 tablespoons warm water 1 vanilla bean, split and scraped 2 teaspoons vanilla extract 2 teaspoons lemon juice 1 1/4 cups unsweetened soymilk or other non-dairy milk 2 cups white whole wheat flour (or gluten-free baking mix) 2 teaspoons baking powder 1 teaspoon baking soda 1/4 teaspoon salt 1/2 cup stevia baking sugar substitute or sugar 2 tablespoons chopped almonds, optional

Preheat oven to 400F. Arrange 16 silicone muffin liners on a baking sheet or oil a regular-sized muffin pan and a few extra muffin-sized ramekins. (Note: Fat-free muffins stick to paper liners so avoid them.) Peel the peaches (if they are very ripe, the skin may easily peel off; if not, dip them in boiling water for 30 seconds and allow to cool before peeling) and remove the pit. Chop into 1/2-inch pieces. Mix with agave nectar (optional) and set aside. In a medium mixing bowl, mix the ground flax seed with the warm water. Slit the vanilla bean open and scrape the seeds from the middle with the back of a knife. Whisk the seeds into the flax mixture and save the vanilla bean for another use. (Try storing it in sugar to make vanilla sugar.) Add the vanilla extract, lemon juice, and soymilk to the flax mixture and whisk well to combine. In a large bowl, combine the flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, and sugar or substitute. Mix well. Add the liquid ingredients and stir just until combined; batter will be thick. Fold in the peaches, making sure they are distributed throughout the batter. Fill each muffin cup to within 1/2-inch of the top. Smooth the top of each muffin and, if desired, sprinkle with chopped almonds. Bake until a toothpick comes out clean, about 15-20 minutes. Allow to cool before serving.

Servings: 16 Yield: 16-18 muffins

Nutrition Facts Nutrition (per serving, with almonds): 79 calories, 10 calories from fat, 1.2g total fat, 0mg cholesterol, 180.8mg sodium, 133.8mg potassium, 16.3g carbohydrates, 4.1g fiber, 1.4g sugar, 3.2g protein, 0.9 points.  With sugar, 95 calories, 19.5g carbohydrates, 2.6g fiber, 0.9 points.  If not using almonds, subtract 5 calories and 1/2 gram fat per muffin.

Source Author: Susan Voisin Source: FatFree Vegan Kitchen Web Page: http://blog.fatfreevegan.com/2009/08/sugar-free-or-not-peach-and-vanilla.html Copyright: Susan Voisin 2009. All rights reserved. Please do not repost recipes or photos without permission.

The Boys Arguing Over the Babylon 5 Board Game and Mylo Xyloto

In the last few days I've been introduced to some ridiculously over-complicated board games. It's absurd. They're absurd. Interpret those pronouns as you will. Pick your own hermeneutic.

Yeah, I learned that word over the last few days, too.  If I never hear it again, it may be too soon. In fact, I may just flip a table, if I did hear it.

Anyway, whilst they play their crazy game, I'm looking through photos from the last few months, and I found this photo.  It reminds me exactly how much I love my brother.  He's the best ever.


...

I just looked up and realized I'm sitting in a room surrounded by men.  Maybe it's thanks to Ian that this doesn't unnerve me so much.  Men.  Such strange creatures....

Next time Summer is around, I think we'll have to do a Nature Channel Documentary-style video on Men. Not Males, MEN.

There is a distinction.

This post is a little meandering, so I think I'll give it up.

The Balcony- The Rumour Said Fire

Talk about a gorgeous day outside! I want to play hooky and go cruising for pictures.

It's days like this that make me forget about all the human toil, pain, and fret that plague us constantly, and make me just appreciate.  It doesn't matter what race, religion, or nationality you stand by; the beauty transcends all of that.  Days like this engulf me in the moment.

I've been down lately and preoccupied with what is past, but this day tables all of it.  Maybe it's God trying to tell me I'm being silly, but I think maybe this isn't one of those messages that you're not intended to inwardly analyze.  I think maybe, this is something you have to outwardly feel.  It's not quite definable in words, and that's how it should be--  left as something more primordial.

When you get too caught up in humanity, you lose the bigger picture.  We, as a species, are only one piece of the puzzle.  And when you focus so hard on where that one piece fits in, you miss the infinite other connections being made in the world and the exquisite masterpiece they create.



I realize I'm trying to do what I believe to be impossible (expressing this all in words), so I'll just stop.   It's beyond me, and that's why I love it. Maybe you feel this feeling too, and if so I'm happy for you.  It's...golden.

Happy trails!

My own song of supplication

let me recede
into a place warm and safe
where my pleading cries
and swollen eyes
may in a gentle embrace
finally feel the
depth of grace
that this world has to offer


I've been having dreams about Japan lately; both waking and sleeping.  I think more than anything, I feel frustrated.

Happy Valentine's Day

First Day of My Life- Bright Eyes

It's that day again.  We all know it.  People around the world are forced to recognize it, whether it's because they're alone, because they're in love, or because three whole aisles in their grocery store have been taken over by pink, red, chocolate, and roses.

Seems like most the people I meet hate Valentine's day.  A great number of them cite the commercialization of the holiday as the source of their disgust, and I can agree with that.  It has become increasingly material-based.  It makes me sad when people begin to feel that proof of their love can only be shown through monetary goods.  That is a pitfall of the escalating materialism of the modern world, and, as of yet, I'm not sure how to de-bunk that idea.

However, a great many more despise the holiday because it emphasizes their loneliness.  That's a feeling that people struggle against every day.  Even those in romantic relationships still fight some form of loneliness.  On this particular holiday, though, that kind of thinking should be examined carefully.  When it is, the selfish nature of the feeling becomes apparent.

I find myself bemoaning my own single status when I watch girls walk around hand in hand with their loves, but then I think, "Instead of begrudging them and the holiday for promoting such wanton displays of PDA, why don't I just feel happy for them in their joy?"  Really, it's only one day a year, and love is such a wondrous emotion.  It encompasses so much, and precipitates a whole pantheon of other emotions, so why not celebrate the day for its deeper meaning?  Celebrate "love", not the more topical applications of it.

This Valentine's day, I'll celebrate in my own way.  I'm going to spend some time with the idea of love.  Instead of buying candy hearts or red roses, I'm going to meditate on the notion of loving in every manner, not just the romantic one, and be joyous!

I hope you'll join me.

Love until later,

Caitlin D.

'OMG!' Exports American Slang to China | The Rundown News Blog | PBS NewsHour | PBS

'OMG!' Exports American Slang to China | The Rundown News Blog | PBS NewsHour | PBS

"To Him." on 8tracks.com

I'm watching the clouds flow overhead.  It looks quite ominous for a majority of the time, but then there's a break and the bluest blue bleeds through. It's exquisite.

I wish I could capture that blue and throw it onto the walls of my mind, forever painting my neurological hallways the hue of the endless sky.  Perhaps then the clarity of colour would rub off on my mind.

Landfill- Daughter

So as it turns out, chili can burn skin pretty darn well. I don't recommend it. It hurts quite a bit. That picture is just the worst of several Burns on both my arms. Ouch.

Brings new meaning to the phrase, "five alarm chili".

Dustin O'Halloran

Best rainy day music ever. (Isn't hyperbole just the absolute best!?)

Opus 55

Fragile N.4

We Move Lightly

Enjoy.

We move lightly- Dustin O'Halloran

It's been a bit of a grey day.  Started out pretty shaky, but stabilized to a quiet hum.  The day is moving right along.

The mailman is who makes my day, of late.  He comes at 9am and 2pm with a little brown bag full of mail for the department, and, golly, he is a happy fellow.  He greets me every time he comes in, asks me how I'm doing, and wishes me well on his way out.  I shared a cookie with him the other day.  I hope I brightened his day as much as he brightens mine.

I hope I'm able to be that sort of person; one that unwittingly carries the sun on her shoulders.  I don't know if I am or not, but maybe you're not meant to know when you're that sort of person.  I guess all I can do is strive to become that person everyday and hope that I shed a little light in this dreary world.

I'm pretty blessed, when I think about it.  I have so many sources of light in my life- my Family, my dog, my friends, my colleagues.

I suppose this day might not be as grey as I thought.